Mission Control (MC) to Sam: *static* this is mission control to Sam, do you copy? *static* please provide a status update… over *static*
Sam to MC: Sam to Mission control, roger roger, read you loud and clear… it’s a clear day out at what i should call a shopping mall… over.
Sam to MC: we’ve been out for awhile now, running low on fuel. Mother seems to be enjoying her day out… over. Requesting permission to return to base.
MC to Sam: roger, you are cleared to return to base, with whatever means necessary… over.
Sam to MC: wilco*, obtaining visual on the target… in range… engaged. requesting permission to engage.
MC to Sam: fire at will, and take us home Sam!
Sam to MC: wilco, birds away!
x 1 overfilled diaper (poo)
x 1 set of very soiled clothes
x1 set of soiled baby carrier
x1 soiled changing mat
x1 baby with pee all over
x1 set of flustered mother and grandmother
x1 afternoon outing cut short
x1 happy and comfortable baby
x1 amused father at the office
Have you ever felt gassy?
Had some indigestion perhaps?
Need to burp or fart, but don’t know how?
Follow these steps to find the secret to calm and confident adulting:
Step 1: Pick up baby (any baby within arms reach, really)
Step 2: Prop baby up with one hand, and cup the other imagining yourself as a 5 year old being an escavator.
Step 3: Hit the baby, gently, with your cupped hand, using consistent repeated motions.
Note: it is at this point where you will find relief from your symptoms. You will either burp, belch or fart.
Note 2: baby will need another 30mins to achieve what you have done.
Step 4: Repeat as necessary.
Picture below shows alternative methods of pacifying a baby. Example shows how the ‘suck on the nose technique’ is applied.
Thou shalt not hit the sore, bruised, and uncomfortable factory that produces our basic nourishment. The ramifications of our actions could be far reaching. For example, the factory could shut down due to worker strikes, or emergency evacuation due to earthquake.
Want to eat? here are some dos and donts:
1) Do not hit / scratch the breast
2) Do not anyhowly bite the nipple – you will discover the horrors of the bhai’i what colour when you grow up
3) Do not fight the hand that correctly positions your head – it’s for your own (and mummy’s) good.
4) Do not purposely fall asleep at the breast – we don’t fall asleep at the dining table, and neither should you.
5) Do latch properly on the nipple – off centre to the areola is much appreciated
6) Do drink up (you’ll have to do this 18 years down the road as well, training starts early)
7) Do look satisfied after drinking, even if you are still hungry